Me: Shadow

dawn's rosy fingers

clawing themselves out of the carcass of the night

So yeah. Sometimes, growing up is hard.
Me: Gift: Lost
This is my semi-official return to LJ. Before I do anything else, I feel like I need to do this:

I am sorry. I am so, so sorry to everyone I offended, pissed off, or (most importantly) hurt here on LJ or in Real Life. For a really long time I was so desperately unhappy and disconnected from my feelings that I did a lot of insanely shitty things without stopping to think what effect they'd have on others. I have to own that, as much as it's really unpleasant to do so. I'm not trying to excuse my behavior, and I'm going to be working at making amends privately, but I wanted to put it out there into the ether:

I did a lot of wrong things, and that was awful of me, and I am sorry.

I've had this LJ for eight and a half years, and I've been on LJ for a decade, and it kind of blows my mind how much the world and my life have changed in that time. So for everyone who doesn't share a fandom with me any more and doesn't really want to do the whole LJ-friends thing with me now that I'm going to be posting more regularly, I'm not going to be hurt at all if you want to defriend me. My weird post-graduate life is mostly full of K-Pop, getting ready to teach abroad, and doing the prelim work for writing a series of novels. Even I bore me, so I'm seriously not going to be upset if you think I'm a boring boringface. I know.

Flist cut
Me: Shadow
Just made a huge flist cut - like 40 people. Most are journals of people I don't talk to much/don't have much in common with any more- If you think I cut you by mistake, just comment (comments are screened) and I'll probably bump you back on.

I feel shitty, because my journal is FO, but I really just can't keep up with my flist any more, and I'm going to have less than no time come fall. I should probably learn to deal with filters, but I kind of hate them, so this is the best I can do. Sorry.

I just... What?
Me: Shadow
Failing evidence of blatant homosexuality, everyone is straight. Even people who have gone to great lengths to never pin down their sexuality and talk candidly about having made out with members of their own sex and how you sometimes just "really want to stick your hand down a guy's shirt." Right? Right.

I mean, wait, no. *head in hands* Heterosexism hurts my brain meats, I am going to go write some more porn now. :(

*wishes wistfully for a place, no matter how small, where people don't get off on pinning names to people who haven't chosen to do so* (Pls to be noting nowhere in my rant did I say explicitly that Gerard was bisexual. I totally understand people's difficulty with my statement that Pete "came out" as being bisexual, because he didn't use that word, he just explicitly stated that he was a "3 out of 10" when it came to attraction. Maja did actually say she was bisexual. So has Amanda Palmer at various points in time. Which is part of why she is awesome.)

I just said that Gerard has never stated that he WAS straight, or gay, or a hippopotamus, and that he's publicly or semi-publicly made out with dudes and chicks. Make your own opinions from that, whatev, I really don't give a flying fuck who he's into as long as he and his wife are okay with that, which they apparently are. (thanks to ubixtiz for the link!)

Could we stop arbitrarily assigning labels to people who haven't provided them? Please? That would be awesome. I realize that I've been guilty of that in the past, and I'm trying to work on that, but seriously people. Stop making the baby Jesus cry.

... Apparently I lied. I had to wave my hands around some. Now I'm going to go write some porn.

My feelings on fandom, with liberal borrowings from one G.A. Way, fellow fanfiction author
Me: Shadow
We should not be a female space. We should be a feminist space, a safe space. A non-judgmental space where people who might not feel safe or accepted anywhere else can find those things.

If you're sexist, a misogynist, a racist, a homophobe, not interested in showing common decency to the people you interact with and the characters or people who form your source canon? Erase your bookmarks, leave your communities, turn off your computer, go home.

We don't want you here.

Fandom as we on Live Journal experience it is a space built by women, indebted to generations of pervy girls with their zines and bulletin boards and cons and mailing lists. But that doesn't mean we are all female, and it shouldn't matter if we are or not.

Presuming someone's gender based on their interests is no more helpful or enlightened than presuming someone's interests or aptitudes based on their gender, and we should all strive to be more enlightened than that.

That amnesty thing.
Me: The Past
I think it should go without saying, but every day is Defriending Amnesty Day at my LJ. If for any reason you don't want to read my journal, feel free to defriend me. Understand that I will probably defriend you too, but that's because I'm a crazy freak about my mutual friends to people friended ratio. Yes, I realize that I'm crazy in general. I'm working on it.

If you want to friend me because you like my fic or my meta or my politics or whatever, that's a-okay. I love making new friends, but if you want me to friend you back, I really need to know who you are, because if I haven't talked to you before in comments or something, I will be very very confused, and probably not friend you back unless you introduce yourself.

Likewise, if I defriend you, it's probably either because I just don't have a lot in common with you interest wise, they've just shifted or something, or I feel like I have to self-censor around you for whatever reason. This isn't in any way meant to be a judgment on you personally. And when I say 'it's not you, it's me', I really, really mean it.

Statement of Purpose
Me: Shadow
This has been brewing for a long time, I think. Like, possibly even longer than I realize. I am not a particularly stable person, I never have been. Like, my idea of stable is having all of my disparate pieces not actually currently trying to pull me apart. But I've, through the course of MUCH trial and error, managed to figure out some things about me.

First. I'm an experiential learner. You can't tell me that something is a bad idea. Or rather, you can, but I probably won't believe you until I've done it anyway. When I make things, I want to be able to see them and touch them and know that they're real. That I made something.

Second. Music is my life. Not in a melodramatic way, really, but. I became really passionate about music when I was 7. If it weren't for music, I would either have not survived being 14, or I would have become a person that is so different from who I am now that it wouldn't be me. I'm very serious about the music I listen to. I know the names of the band members, I know the lyrics to the songs, I go to some pretty big lengths to see shows. I believe in music, and in the bands that make it.

My musical tastes are pretty fucking divergent. There is Rap that I like, there's Country that I like, there's Pop and most every other genre of music that I can enjoy. That said, I'm an scene kid, apparently. In that the bands that move me, that I can say without any irony saved me, are the ones that some of you roll your eyes about and call crappy and emo.

That's not a big deal, that's your opinion, and I fully respect that opinion. But for me, I don't need that in my life. What I need in my life are people who can, without reservation, support me in my path. That doesn't mean blind devotion, but it does mean that people who bitch about how emo a song is or enjoy making fun of people who are really important to me need not stick around.

So I guess... Consider this a defriending amnesty announcement. If you don't want a kid who aspires to be one of Those Kids, who are in a band that you hate and talk about things without the irony that they probably deserve on your friendslist, feel free to cut me loose.

By and large, I will miss you people. Seriously. Hardcore. But I don't need to bite my tongue about how I feel, just because it's someone else's journal and opinion and I don't want to offend. I've done a lot of that in my life, for various people and various reasons, and I need to cut it the fuck out if I ever want to make my voice heard. And I do.